… but now with wrinkles and bad knees.
So yeah, I now have a place to move to. The place is furnished – a lot, actually – so I could go with almost nothing and maybe I should, but today I put some ice cubes in my coffee and realized I really like my nifty silicon ice trays and I don’t want them to end up in a landfill. There will probably be a lot of things like that around the house. Which is why I signed up for six months of mini-storage today, and also why I should quit procrastinating and start packing.
Maybe this is for the best. It’s better for me not to live alone, at first – too big a change from kids and husband and cat to Nothing. I don’t know how to cook or shop for one, so roommates to share leftovers with would be a useful thing. I’ll finish my thesis there and get my degree and start applying for jobs, and when I get one I will think about getting an apartment of my own. Or, I’ll apply for teaching-abroad jobs and be itinerant. I don’t know.
Right now all I have to do is finish my thesis, and this gives me the freedom to defer other decisions until that’s done. Another advantage that I just thought of is that it defers the adult responsibilities like getting internet set up, figuring out gas and water and general bureaucratic foofaraw that Robert always handled and that I’m afraid of navigating in German. I realize that avoiding this stuff is not wise in the long run, but right now everything is Too Much and I can’t think straight, so it’s better to wait until I can to sort all that out.
This is a forward step, and if it was made from a place of despair, well. It’s not permanent. Also, and I cannot stress this enough: I have had no other offers. I imagine I’ll start getting them now, but that’s too bad. If the universe (or Robert) wanted me to have my own flat it (or he) should have stepped the hell up.
So I’m moving into a house with some students and a designer and I will have non-family roommates instead of living alone and in a lot of ways it’ll be like going back to the me I was when I met Robert – lost, aimless, and unstable. But not as cute, and with a lot less energy. With this level of starting over, it’s hard not to feel like the last 25 years were wasted. I did get two sons out of the marriage, but I could have gotten those with a lot less suffering.
Song du jour of the day: What Have I Done To Deserve This? by the Pet Shop Boys.