Category Archives: bummer

The Black Dog

So as established, New Year’s Resolutions are full of fail so I’m not really making them. Exactly. I mean, I bought the Wii Zumba back in November or so, and I started cooking properly back in September, and also, at some point, I resolved to blog again, but it wasn’t anywhere around the turn of the year.

Aaaand it hasn’t gone so well. The radio silence is broken, DrBob’s current employer knows that he has an offer from another university, so I don’t have that secret to keep anymore, but.

But. I don’t want to write if I can’t be funny, or at least mildly engaging, and if I’m not feeling it, I can’t fake it. You saw that in the last entry – me trying to be funny, and coming across as shrewish and bitter. And I’m not feeling it a lot, lately.

There’s no good reason for this, it just comes out of nowhere and drags me down sometimes, anxiety and sadness and this deep sense of inadequacy that won’t go away until it’s damn well ready. The wonderful Jenny Lawson says “Depression lies,” but when I’m in the middle of it all the ugly words anybody has ever said to me ricochet around my head and it all feels true. Yes, it isn’t, but this doesn’t come from any logical place, so I can’t fix it with logic, I just have to ride it out and hope it doesn’t come back again soon.

So that’s what I’m hopefully climbing out of right now – this might just be the eye of the storm, we’ll see – and that’s why I’ve had so little to say lately. I mean, I have LOTS! It just had to wait a bit while I was dealing with some extra gravity.

Song du jour of the day: Love’s Divine, by Seal.


We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog…

I was thinking I’d post weekly, and the next entry was going to be the photos and not-much-of-a-travelogue from our trip to Bavaria, about how we left the Sniglet down there and brought Ignatz back, and all about why we were leaving the Sniglet there, and it was all going to be several entries’ worth. But then I went to work on Monday morning (that’d be July 30th) and the first thing on the agenda was a meeting whose purpose was to announce the company wide restructuring that has led to the elimination of my job.

Yeah. I lost my job. Which doesn’t change any of the things that happened beforehand, but it changes how I feel about them, and how much I want to write about them.

Not much. Not now.

a gift from Mother Nature…

… for outliving my usefulness as a spawning unit, apparently. Welcome to middle age, howbout a pipe wrench to the head?

Um. I don’t know if I’ve whined incessantly about mentioned this, but I’ve been getting these headaches for a few years now. They start in my right eye and last about three days. Sometimes they migrate to the left eye, sometimes not. Mostly the pain isn’t excruciating, exactly, it’s just oppressively there, ALL the time, so I pretend I don’t have a headache until about 3:00, and then I crash and burn because the effort of ignoring it has worn me out. Advil doesn’t help. Neither does sleep, stretching, exercise, chicken soup, lots of water, whether taken internally (drinking) OR externally (baths), giving up coffee, drinking extra coffee, giving up dairy or meat or refined sugar, or anything else I’ve tried. Continue reading


about blogless yesterday, I was having internet problems (again). Put me in a really foul mood, so if I had blogged it would mostly have been GRAAAARGH! DARRGH YARRGH SNARGLE FYAAAAARGH! and you’re really better off without that.

I don’t know, though, that’s really about all I have to say lately, and that’s bad. DrBob is kind of overburdened at work right now. There’s a lot for him to do, and I try to convince him to rest and take care of himself, but he’s one of those freakishly conscientious people who puts 110% into everything he does. He can’t ease the pressure on himself by just blowing something off (and actually, I’d respect him less if he could), so he is constantly, constantly working. Barely sleeping, sick all the time, exhausted.

I’m worried about him, and what I can do to help is minimal: keep the household running smoothly and the children under control, basically. And I’m actually not very good at that, but I’ve been doing it without help since we moved here, and it’s starting to wear me down – especially since I have this job that’s really hard to do when I keep getting interrupted, so there’s also this constant lurking thought of the work I’m not getting done.

I haven’t gotten to the point of resenting DrBob yet, thank God, because this really isn’t his fault. But I’m starting to get forgetful and snippy with the boys and more prone to blurting out stupid stuff as I forget to think before I speak. I feel really bad about this. He’s a good guy having a rough time, and he deserves whatever support I can give him.

Next quarter should be better, but that’s late January. And before then the weather’s going to get worse and the nights are going to get longer and the holidays are coming and augh. No idea what to do except keep plugging along, but also no real confidence in my ability to do that. Bleck.

So yeah. I’m sorry, but I can’t bother DrBob with this, so I have to vent all over you. You’re welcome!

Song du jour of the day: Smooth, by Lina.

ETA: This cheered me up tremendously.


Right, Halloween was yesterday and we did nothing – well, the kids and I watched “Over the Hedge” again, but there was no trick-or-treating or anything. I understand that the International Women’s Contact Utrecht, an expat organization, had a Halloween party out in Zeist, but I was to disorganized to RSVP, and even if I had, I would have been too headachy to go. Besides, Ignatz is 14, and already too old for these things. Next year I’ll take the Sniglet, if he wants to go.

Anyway, Halloween’s an American thing. For Catholics, this is All Saints’ Day (which leads me to wonder what American Catholics do…), and as I’ve mentioned before, this is the day when people visit the graves of their dead relatives. I think it’s a fine tradition, and we made a point of taking the kids last year, but of course this year, we can’t. And this is the year we really should.

DrBob’s grandmother died last week. This sucks in all kinds of ways, because she watched him while his mom worked full-time when he was little, so they were close. She’d been bedridden for the last five years, so we always felt it wouldn’t be long, and DrBob was really bummed when we moved because he was afraid he’d never see her again. And she died on Monday, which was the Sniglet’s ninth birthday (bad timing must run in the family…) and the funeral was Wednesday. Of course we wanted to go, but we couldn’t, not on such short notice.

She liked me, you know. I never did figure out why, but she did.

We haven’t told the kids yet. I’m not sure when we should, or how. The Sniglet will attach great significance to the fact that it happened on his birthday. He still hasn’t really forgiven me for missing his fifth birthday because my mom died.

So yeah. It rained and rained and rained today, and frankly, that suits my mood.

No song du jour of the day today. YouTube is out of order.


DrBob is invited to the Spanish Embassy in The Hague, for King Juan Carlos’s name-day this Wednesday, and I don’t get to go. Boo.

Song du jour of the day: Baila el ChikiChiki, by Rodolfo Chikilicuatre.

i has a sad

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Fufnir “Flu-Snout” Berzelius, aka Fufu
*200? – † 30 May, 2009