Overthinking, much?

He used to love me, but then he stopped. I want to understand why this happened, but I also don’t: I think that knowing would be extremely painful, but not knowing why makes it hard to find closure. But you don’t get closure from other people – that is, I will not get a true answer from him about why he stopped loving me; his answer will put him in the best light and me in the worst, and make me hate myself and want to die (yes I have tested this). The closure has to come from accepting that he doesn’t love me and he is therefore not worth my love, but I feel like a duckling who has already imprinted. It’s too late to take it back.

I am feeling very down today, very low in the self-esteem department. Not a very good copy-editor, not a very good teacher, yeah a pretty good friend but that doesn’t pay the bills. Wasn’t a good enough wife, and however optimistic other people are on my behalf, I don’t see summoning the optimism to try again. “You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally” is nice to hear, but what we deserve and what we get are worlds apart.

That said, I am doing better. The bad days don’t last quite as long, don’t go quite as low. I get things done. I find reasons to be cheerful. I’m starting to believe that I won’t always feel like this.

Yes I know you told me that ages ago. I believed you because I love you, not because it felt true.

3 responses to “Overthinking, much?

  • Girl, Inappropriate (@akaMonty)

    Well really that IS the best reason to believe someone, if you ask me, which you did not, but I am answering anyway because I do what I want. :)
    Your perseverance is admirable and inspiring and I’m very very very very proud of all you’ve accomplished thus far. Being apart from the situation on the outside, it’s easier for me to see the amazing strides you’ve taken even though you feel your progress is nominal.
    YOU ARE GETTING SHIT DONE. YOU ARE GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You are working it out in your pretty little head and you’re right – you can only get closure from yourself. Also FUCK THAT GUY. They never have a good reason for “falling out of love” or whatever.
    And I am so glad that you’re not one of those women who is immediately ready to jump into another relationship simply to stave off being alone or lonely, to have the cold comfort of JUST ANYONE…I’ve seen too many women like that (and some men) who just can’t take being alone. It’s so hard but the self-reliance of getting your ownself through the steps and the pain and the restructuring of your whole life…YOU ARE LIKE SUPERWOMAN. Keep believing what I tell you. xoxox

  • alala

    It’s so sweet that you think I’m being strong by not jumping into another relationship. It’s … not on purpose. I mean, totes aside from whether I want to or not, I haven’t a clue HOW to do it. It’s been a loooooooooong time.

  • Girl, Inappropriate (@akaMonty)

    I know, right? But after you’ve had time to heal up and stop attracting men who want to fix you, it’ll be better. Maybe you’ve got some online manfriends who might develop into something more, eventually… ??? Who knows? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.
    Also what do I know, I haven’t had an actual boyfriend in the last 10 years. :D #HOusebound #KidTrapped. heee

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