He used to love me, but then he stopped. I want to understand why this happened, but I also don’t: I think that knowing would be extremely painful, but not knowing why makes it hard to find closure. But you don’t get closure from other people – that is, I will not get a true answer from him about why he stopped loving me; his answer will put him in the best light and me in the worst, and make me hate myself and want to die (yes I have tested this). The closure has to come from accepting that he doesn’t love me and he is therefore not worth my love, but I feel like a duckling who has already imprinted. It’s too late to take it back.
I am feeling very down today, very low in the self-esteem department. Not a very good copy-editor, not a very good teacher, yeah a pretty good friend but that doesn’t pay the bills. Wasn’t a good enough wife, and however optimistic other people are on my behalf, I don’t see summoning the optimism to try again. “You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally” is nice to hear, but what we deserve and what we get are worlds apart.
That said, I am doing better. The bad days don’t last quite as long, don’t go quite as low. I get things done. I find reasons to be cheerful. I’m starting to believe that I won’t always feel like this.
Yes I know you told me that ages ago. I believed you because I love you, not because it felt true.