Every decision is wrong

Everyone keeps saying take it one day at a time but I had to find a place to live and I keep having to make decisions even though I keep saying I can’t think people keep making me choose and I do the best I can given the information I have but the situation changes and then I’m stuck.

I really wanted to leave Heidelberg so I wouldn’t keep running into my husband and the former friend who took him away from me: in a town this size that’s unavoidable, and it’s already happened a couple of times and each time undid every scrap of emotional progress I’d made. But I had a job here, so I figured I’d better stay. Then last week or the week before I found out that they’re cutting my hours, so after October I’ll be out of work anyway, but by then I’d already committed to this shared housing situation and also an apartment.

The shared housing decision was because everyone says the Heidelberg housing market is awful and I kept getting rejected and I didn’t think I was ever going to find something so I took the only thing I was offered. But then after that Mr. Husband found a flat.

I took the flat because the owner was a nice old lady who sympathized with my plight and had a plight of her own and I thought we could help each other. The flat is furnished, but I figured I could put that stuff in storage. Nope, there isn’t any storage and the furniture must stay in the flat, I found out after signing. And several people told me that landlords can’t legally refuse to let you have a cat, but guess what she just did. So now my poor beautiful Hekate, who’s been increasingly anxious as her people have disappeared one by one, will be gone from my life forever. And I shouldn’t have taken the apartment but now I’m stuck.

But I can’t move in yet because of some plumbing problem, so I’m still in the shared house. My room is right off the living room, so I can’t even go pee without having to talk to someone, and right now one of my roommates is on the couch watching TV and listening to me cry. I can’t call anyone because I don’t want him to listen to that conversation and I can’t ask him to go away because then I’ll have to explain why.

Everything is awful and just keeps getting worse. I know other people have endured far bigger things, but I’m not strong, despite everyone telling me I am, and I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

4 responses to “Every decision is wrong

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