Still here, still sad.

It’s hard to believe it’s only been two months. I feel like I’ve been here forever. I spent three weeks in the clinic, so that means it’s been about five weeks – six? – since I started looking for a place to live. Heidelberg is a tough housing market, and I was looking at three, sometimes four flats a day and getting turned down for all of them. It was incredibly demoralizing, hard not to take it personally, and by yesterday I was well into believing that it’s not just my husband: nobody wants me around because I’m worthless. I felt a kind of combined panic and despair – what if I never find anything? So this morning I accepted a single room in a house with four other people, the only thing I’ve been offered so far, and have since been swimming in lake What Have I Done? I’ll have to rent a storage locker now. I checked out a place right after signing the contract, picked up a price list, and will probably go sign up tomorrow.

My current crew of reality checks all say this is a good step, and I’ll feel better when I’m out of this house, with memories and regrets leaping out at me at every turn. I mean yes, it’s a positive step, but also, like, a step forward in a process that I still really wish wasn’t happening.

Friends tell me I’m handling this like a rock star. I got a new job the same day I left the clinic, now I’ve found a new place to live, I got a bike, I put a rack on it by myself, I’ve figured out the mini-storage thing, and from the outside it looks pretty good. But I don’t know, it just seems like… I feel like rock stars don’t do all the work while crying, you know? I mean, maybe they do, it’s not like I would know, never having been one. Is it always going to be this hard? Why is my heart still burning?

Song du jour of the day: Landslide, by Fleetwood Mac.

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2 responses to “Still here, still sad.

  • Shannon akaMonty

    Grieve at your own pace – there’s no right or wrong here. But it will get easier at some point. :) xoxo
    My advice is that if you’re going to keep looking back, then make sure you look RIGHT BEHIND YOU and see all your accomplishments as well. Who cares if you cry while you’re doing ALL THE GROWNUP THINGS? This is MAJOR. <3

  • Moving. Twice. | alala

    […] mini-storage, which is now very full, and we got me moved into the shared house that I mentioned in this post. But […]

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