The descents are dizzyingly fast, swoopy and sick-making; the climbs are slow and agonizing, my progress barely perceptible until I notice I can see a little further. Then I take a couple tentative steps, and. Here follows a description of my most recent WHOOSH.
This past weekend I took the train up to Utrecht to watch Eurovision with friends (pricey ticket, bought at the last minute because I decided that driving might provide too many opportunities for unfortunate impulses (too many = one, if it arrives at the right moment). Saturday was fine, there were friends and distractions, and the Netherlands won the contest so that’s a fun thing to experience while actually in the Netherlands.
Sunday was… not fine. I decided that I had to at least try to save my marriage. I would probably fail, I reasoned, but, at least I would know that I’d tried. So I sent him a WhatsApp saying that since finding an apartment was proving to be harder than I’d thought (true) could we find a place together and go see a couples therapist to try to iron out our communication problems. There were train delays, very stressful, so when he hadn’t answered by 7.30pm the tears started, and they didn’t really stop until I got home around 10.30. Yes, I was walking through downtown Heidelberg, openly sobbing. Classy.
Monday was even less fine. That’s when he decided to answer me, and the answer was no, which I had started out expecting but I’d allowed myself to hope. The force of Delusion is very strong in me. It was a long, drawn-out no, in a WhatsApp chat that went on intermittently over about five hours, so that was a lot more crying. [Side-note: I have been using a Cefaly to fix my migraines, and it has worked, but it turns out you can still trigger a migraine if you cry enough. Still have the migraine, yay.]
So yeah. One step forward, twenty kajillion steps back, I guess. I saw my new therapist two days in a row, because I was such a watery mess yesterday she said “I have a cancellation, you should come back tomorrow”, and I went out to dinner with my feminist moms group and received much sympathy and support, and had coffee with a friend this morning and taught/tutored for six hours, and at some point the sun came out so right now at this very second I am feeling slightly better. It would be nice if I could find a way to make this slight betterness last.
Song du jour of the day: Nothing Compares 2 U.