two decisions

So we can’t really see moving to London. That leaves us with, well, this, for the long term. DrBob commutes, I stay here with the boys. He’s decided that this is working. I have decided that it isn’t.

He doesn’t enjoy being in England (um, to be fair, he’s not really making an effort to get a life there, he just works and sleeps. I’m trying to convince him that that is a poor choice…), but after three weeks home he says it’s bearable, this commuting thing.

I say, this momming-alone thing is a lot harder than it was the first time I did it. That first time Ignatz was 3, the Sniglet wasn’t born yet, and I was in my home town, three blocks from my mother. Now I’m outnumbered, and foreign, and those two factors count for more than I had expected them to. I tried to explain this to DrBob the other day, and it was very interesting to see how hard he tried not to hear what I was saying.

Thing is, we both managed to get the children we deserve. That is, Ignatz is mini-me, and we do fight occasionally, but I understand him. The Sniglet is mini-DrBob, and this sort of automatic rapport that Ignatz and I have is completely missing for me and the Sniglet. I just don’t get him, and I often feel like he is deliberately picking fights with me. Especially over food: I offer him something and he says “I’m not eating that shit” and I say “we do not talk like that, not ever,” in my Seriously Mad Voice, and usually he backs down, but today he just kept pushing and pushing. I’m just so tired, and I know DrBob meant well with the advice, but it just… I’m sorry, when you feel crappy about something, it just doesn’t help to be told why it’s your fault.

So now my husband’s mad at me too.

Bad day. Tomorrow will be better.

ETA: DrBob called later to… not exactly to apologize, just to have our last conversation of the day be a better one. Which is how he apologizes. And Ignatz, who is not even remotely demonstrative, gave me the first hug I’ve gotten from him in, what, five, six years? Just because I was having a rough day.

Song du jour of the day: Just What I Needed, by the Cars.


5 responses to “two decisions

  • amy

    We split up that way, too, with the kids. I get one, and he drives my husband crazy. I struggle with the other, and my husband doesn’t get nearly as frustrated. But my husband usually has me as a buffer, and I…don’t. I’m betting this situation is hard on the Sniglet, too, not having the parent who gets him around so much.

    I often wonder what would happen with a third child. Would he go one way or another, like the first two? Or drive both of us crazy? Or just get along with all of us?

  • Kel

    Sorry things are nuts there- wish I could help. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

  • Elemmaciltur

    It will get better….just hang in there. I know that you can do it. đŸ™‚

  • Melanie

    It sounds hard, I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Myself, I get the freaks on day 4 of solo parenting. 2, fine. 3, I manage. 4, I am not a very good parent. Sending you virtual smoochies. How about me and WeeOne move in with you guys for a couple of months during this crucial stage of her language development so she can be effortlessly bilingual?

  • hotweb79

    Hugs for you! I know exactly-ish what you are talking about with the Sniglet. My daughter is 7 and a replica of her dad. Sometimes because of work he is gone for months at a time and I really do feel like a single parent because of it. She will do something distressing, I will call him, and he will offer me advise which makes absolutely no sense at all.

    Is the commuting likely to be a permanent thing like my husband’s? (Provided he doesn’t get deported? mine not yours).

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