Eurovision semifever

Since it’s Friday, and I have to go slave over a hot database for eight hours and then teach a private English lesson with my confidence shattered after Wednesday’s disastrous class and THEN take the train home because DrBob needs to stay in the city for a Saturday workshop on sodomy (I devoutly hope it will be all theory and no practice), I probably won’t blog today. Oop, except I already have. Whoa.

So a couple items for filler: um, here’s one…

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Sprinting out of the candy store, brandishing a jeweled meat hammer, cometh Alala! And she gives a low roar:

“You in some shit now, muhfuh! I shall fill the world with the stench of death!”

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

It’s a cute battle cry, but the two sentences are in completely different um, well, ways of speaking. I mean, I am fairly flexible, linguistically, but I don’t usually switch codes mid-battle. I’m just sayin’.

Also, KimberlyDi said therapy’s Not That Bad. Are you kidding? I get to talk about myself for a whole hour and the therapist HAS to listen. It’s fantastic! In fact, most of my adult life has been a delicate negotiation: trying to act weird enough to convince people I need therapy, but not weird enough to have my kids taken away from me. This time I even managed to get a professional therapist to suggest it, and she thinks it was HER idea! Score! alala 1, therapist 0.

In other news, the Eurovision Semifinal was last night, and I wrote while I watched it, because sitting still is not, um, not one of my stronger skills. Judging from the paucity of comments on my previous Eurovision posts, I think I can safely say that no one besides me is interested in this. Hey, I understand. I’m used to it. Anyway, what follows is all Eurovision snark, so feel free to skip to the end if you’re so inclined. Hah, like you even need my permission.

So the whole thing is hosted by Greece, since they won last year, and for the opening act, they have a medley of bad covers of previous winners, lip-synched by people dressed as various Greek gods. You have never seen anything so twee in your life, it totally looks like Amateur Drag Night in a very small town. Aaaand here come the, um contestants. The thing that always amazes me is that most of these people canNOT sing, and no one ever seems to notice.

Armenia. Unibrow Lenny Kravitz clone, and the sound is wretched. It’s not just that he’s a bad singer, though of course that is part of it. Creepy-weird bondage thing, his backup dancers tie him up and then turn into puppets.

Bulgaria. Oh look, she brought a portly Albino drag queen to yodel for her.

Slovenia. Obv inspired by George Michael. Meh. Boring.

Andorra. oh look, the backup dancers forgot to put their dresses on. Ooops, how embarrassing. The Romanian singer did that a few years ago. She got a lot of points from Spain, as I recall.

Belarus, right. Whoa. Looks like the 80s are coming back, but again with the forgetting to wear pants. I think last year’s winner forgot her trousies too, as did um, what, the 2003 winner? The Ukrainian. People may have decided that’s the key to victory.

Albania. Cool, kilts and bagpipes. Oh, righteous. Dude in the pom-pom socks is a-rockin’. The singer totally has that boy-heartthrob emoting-with-the-eyebrows vibe. Whatever, this is the least sucky so far, but hey, the night is young yet.

Ooo, Belgium. Oh right, Kate Ryan, big star here in Europe. I think she’s boring as hell, but what do I know? Russia sent Tatu a few years ago, and they sucked swamp water, but they still came in second. Wow, that orange dress really makes her tan look fake.

Ireland. Apparently this guy is a big deal in Ireland, has played with Van Morrison and Ray Charles. Song’s a sapfest, but okay. Also, I’m going to mug one of the backup singers and steal her dress.

Okay, Cyprus. Hmm, apparently worked as a backup singer for Britney Spears. Oh, no. Oh, no. Very unfortunate dress choice. Boobs are our friends, they don’t deserve to have that done to them. Also? The song is horrid, horrid, horrid. Why Do the Angels Cry? I bet they’ll stop if you quit singing.

Monaco – um, coco-dance. Or go-go dance? Whatever. Wholly unremarkable.

Macedonia. Oh dear. Are those…cutoffs? They really highlight her very um, sturdy legs. Such a pretty young woman, that’s not the feature I’d have chosen to emphasize.

Poland. Sweet blithering Jesus, you have not seen epaulets like this on anything smaller than an elephant. Seriously. Giant epaulets. With tassels. They look like furniture.

Russia. Oh. Kay. Dude has a vibrato you could drive a truck through – holy fuck what the – ew! The pasty-white upper-half of a human just rose out of the piano! She’s just sticking out, waving her arms around. That is so gross!

Turkey. Song called Superstar. Wow, that’s some dandy tattoos, and I can’t imagine the amount of bleach required to get her hair that color. Dressed like a trapeze artist, built like a biker chick, I think I’m in love. Oh yeah. Song is not great, but I don’t care.

Ukraine. A student, um, aeronautics, I think the German announcer-guy said. Okay, cute and all, but what the hell is with the jump rope?

Oh, wow. Finland. The Monster Metal band. “They look extremely unappetizing,” says the announcer, and suggests that small children should be sent out of the room. Awww, now that’s cute. They do look like their usual charming selves, with the claws and leather and decaying flesh and all, but the singer’s wearing a cute little Finnish-flag top hat. Right, I’d already decided to vote for these guys, because I’m hoping they’ll get to the final and eat the German group.

Holland. Three shouting blondes with big bongos. No, really, they’re sitting on drums, and whacking away while they shout. Um. How, uh, how very novel. DrBob says this seems much longer than the other songs. He’s right.

Lithuania. Oh right, the super group. Lithuania gathered its 6 most popular singers and boodged them into a super group. The song appears to be titled “We Are the Winners of Eurovision,” and is being sung to the tune of that old playground favorite, “Neener neener neeeener”. One of the singers looks like an ex-boyfriend of mine (Hi Brice!). Another looks like Viggo Mortensen. Hmm. Oddly, I like these guys more than DrBob and Ignatz do.

Portugal had a televised Big Brother type elimination show thing to choose their entry. They can’t sing, can’t dance, and are horrid. DrBob likes the one with the foofy feathered back-half-of-a-skirt, that’s alarming.

Sweden. Oh gee, another Abba ripoff, they don’t do that, oh, every year.

Estonia. Nice, uh, superhero outfit.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. At it again with the soulful traditional thing. I actually usually like these, but I think I’m the only one. Seriously.

Iceland. The Cyndi Lauper knockoff. Well no, that’s not fair to Cyndi Lauper, who can sing quite well. But here’s an imitator of her Girls-Just-Wanna-Have-Fun persona. Quite dreadful, up until the two guys in fringed pajamas ripped off their trous to reveal silver-sequinned boxies. Hee. Didn’t make up for the bad singing, though.

Okay so find all the phones in the house and vote on each one, even DrBob’s, I’ll just place a vote for him heh heh; weird performance-art time-killer thing to watch while they count the votes; mucho stalling from sorority-girl presenter who needs to be slapped; and here are the ten qualifiers, in no particular order so as not to geek the final vote on Saturday…

– Russia. With the zombie piano chick. Major ooky.
– Macedonia. Um, which was that? Oh right, with the cutoffs.
– BosHerz! Oh good, I wanted them to do well.
– Lithuania. The football song, the announcer says. Heee, that’s funny, it does sound like something they’ll be shouting in stadiums for the next ten years.
– HAGH! Finland! Wooot!
– Ukraine
– Ireland
– Sweden
– Turkey! Oh good, now DrBob can see who he voted for.
– Armenia. Armenia? WTF?

So there you have it.

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7 responses to “Eurovision semifever

  • landismom

    So Dr. Bob has a sodomy workshop and you throw it away in one line like that? Details! I am more curious than ever about what his field is.

  • Kelly

    SAdly, I can’t get Eurovision here (and I’m not being sarcastic) but thanks so much for the recap- “Sweet blithering Jesus, you have not seen epaulets like this on anything smaller than an elephant.”- Absolutely Classic!

    And maybe Finland will eat the Armenians too- what do you think?

  • ~d (tilde)

    I totally forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah! Therapy. I enjoy having meds, too. Better living thru chemistry is my motto.
    Your battle cry sounds like a cross between Ice T and some Monty Python dude…wonder what I will get?

  • alala

    landismom: me too.

    Kel, if I get my wish, the Finns are going to gain a lot of weight on Saturday. Check the site (linked in my blogroll), it may be webcast…ed.

    ~d, That’s trickier. I’m not good with meds – I’m forgetful, and it turns out (now who could possibly have predicted this) that they don’t do you any good just sitting in the bottle! God, it’s just too much work.

  • KimberlyDi

    A sodomy workshop. Huh?

    I don’t get Eurovision but your recap of the show’s events was classic.

    No skipping to the bottom for me.

  • ~d (tilde)

    ( does anyone else realise she has avoided the sodomy question )

  • Kelly

    They won! They won they won they won! Yeah! Did they eat anyone?!?

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