We’re going to try Ritalin on Ignatz in April. We’ll give it two weeks. That is The Plan. Here’s me plagued with doubt. What if the side effects are really horrible? Do we cut the dosage or decide it’s just not for us? What if it has no effect at all? Do we up the dosage, or do we decide it must not be ADD after all? What if it enables him to focus at school but turns him into a boring little Borg drone? Then it’s not worth it. But what if that’s just because the dosage is too high or too low? How much tweaking? For how long do we have to test each tweak? What if it causes insomnia? He already barely sleeps. What if it suppresses his appetite? He already barely eats. What if it helps with the academics but makes his social behavior worse? Or vice versa? Will we have to go through this whole process with Concerta too? Cylert? Dexedrine? Methylin? Strattera? Wellbutrin? That could take forever.
I don’t even want to medicate my kid. Seriously, I can have a headache for 24 hours before it occurs to me to take an Advil. I just don’t tend to think of medication first. But people with similar problems say it’s helped. It might help him, and he needs help. He’s suffering, and not in a character-building way. I don’t remember her exact words, but Mrs Next Door said something like “Stop criticizing him for things he can’t do anything about. Either give him something that will enable him to be what you want, or accept him the way he is.” Man oh man, is she ever right. And of course I would tend toward the latter, but the world is not going to accept him as he is, and he has to exist outside this family as well. He goes to school, he forgets to hand in tests, he forgets the rules, he can’t restrain himself from talking to his classmates, and those all have consequences. Those consequences fuck with his self-esteem, his behavior deteriorates even further, et cetera. Know what I just found out? He didn’t hate hockey. He liked playing, he was proud of the things he learned. But the team picked on him because he was small and slow, and getting picked on made him hesitant and even slower, which made them pick on him more. Et cetera.
Anyway. I’m just venting, okay? We will try it. He’s in therapy. We will call the special school and set up an appointment. We are doing all we can. This is just the stuff that cycles through my head while I wait to fall asleep.